oh my gosh, where was i?

I’ve been meaning to write an update post for weeks.. I just never took the time to go back and look at previous posts to find out where I left off.. Mom brain, it’s real.

If you follow me on IG, then you probably already know most of this. I’m WAY better about posting things on IG than I am on here. It takes way less time to snap a pic, and write a quick caption. I can do that while I’m nursing, which takes up a whole lot of my time these days. (follow me here)

When I left off last we had take Paisley to two appointments with the chiropractor. We took her to the chiropractor because she had a really tight jaw. She was unable to open her mouth much more than the size of a dime, which made breastfeeding a real challenge. We finished up her treatment at the 3rd visit. Dr. Smith felt she had made some great progress and that we could come back as needed, but he didn’t see any need to continue treating her.

Since her final adjustment our breastfeeding relationship has gotten substantially better. We did have a gross case of thrush, which required us to both be treated… but once that cleared up, we have been pain free. It is seriously crazy to me that we are breastfeeding without pain. Sometimes when I’m nursing I think, “wow, this is what it’s supposed to feel like.” It really is so bizarre. We went through so much to be pain free, and while it was a really difficult & trying 11 weeks, I am so so glad that we stuck it out. (I posted about my struggle with breastfeeding here and here)


is it weird to be non-related baby pictures? yes? to bad.

I think I wrote in the last post that my leg is 100% back to normal. so, yay for that! I never did get the results of the nerve conduction study, and at this point, it really doesn’t matter. I don’t have any residual numbness, and my range of motion is perfect.

What else, what else??

Oh. I never posted about this on the blog, but I have posted about it on IG.. and if you get squeemish about medical stuff, or you think it’s weird that I’m posting about it.. then, you’ll probably want to exit now, because we are about to get REALLLLLLL personal up in here.. and I mean REAL personal..

exit now.

So. About a million years ago (or approximately 12 weeks) I thought I had hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are SUPER common after child birth, and then, add in the fact that I pushed for 2.5 hours.. I was pretty much destined to get hemorrhoids, right? I thought so.

If you’ve never had hemorrhoids, lucky you – From what I’ve read, they can be very painful – which is why I thought I had one (or 100). I tried every trick in the book to get rid of the ‘rrhoid.. After about 8 weeks of excruciating pain (and blood) every time I had a bowel movement (LOL, can we just say after I took a poop? bowel movement is just…. so work like. I say bowel movement a lot at work).. I went to see a colo-rectal surgeon.

There are fewer things in life more embarrassing than going to see a colo-rectal surgeon. When the nurse took my vitals, my heart rate was through the roof. I had so much anxiety going into this appointment. I know what the treatments are for the ‘rrhoids and it’s not pleasant.

After an exam (where I almost died of embarrassment) the good Dr. proclaimed that I in fact do NOT have hemorrhoids. I have an anal fissure, which I also call a butt cut. Laugh all you want, but that shiz is NO JOKE. It’s a cut, in your butt… just imagine having to poop with an open cut in your butt.

Per the good Dr. the butt cut can heal with the application of some butt cream. It will take 8-12 weeks to heal, but I should have some relief in 1 week. Sweet hallelujer! relief!

Only… I didn’t. Same pain, day after day. I followed up last week… since I have had zero improvement (at that point) the Dr. wants to schedule surgery, more specifically a sphincterotomy. (don’t google that, you’ll be scared. I’m scared).

Here’s what I should have been doing, but wasn’t – taking stool softeners. I increased the amount of fiber I was taking, but wasn’t taking a stool softener with any regularity. So, now, I am taking the stool softener like it’s my job. I do no, I repeat, I DO NOT, want to have surgery. I am absolutely terrified of surgery.

The point of the stool softeners is to soften up the stool enough so that the anus doesn’t have to stretch out, thus causing the butt cut to rip open with every bowel movement.

I told you that you should have exited this post a long time ago. it’s all your fault if you’re like WTH, Jena, WTH.

Surgery is scheduled, but I’m really hoping that I’ll be able to cancel it. I have to give the Dr. 3 days notice to avoid being charged – I have approximately 9 days to get the butt cut healed up.


happy to be running

 

Oh no, not THAT number again

Last week I had a bit of a mental break down – I was feeling completely beat up by the number on the scale.

I know ~ Everyone says you shouldn’t focus on the number on the scale, but how your clothes feel.

You know how sometimes things are easier said than done? Well, this is one of those times.

 

Monday morning I weighed myself, and the number was higher than it’s been in months. I tried to shake it off since my eating over that weekend had been ridiculous.

Monday afternoon came & I was exhausted. I skipped the gym and did a short workout at home.

Tuesday came: weight still the same. Definitely feeling defeated. Exhausted again – went to the gym. Struggled through the entire workout ~ no motivation what-so-ever.

Wednesday: I gave up on the scale. I didn’t weigh myself anymore. It didn’t matter; agonizing over the number wasn’t going to help, but I was already defeated. I let myself eat whatever I wanted to eat, and do whatever I wanted to do. “What difference did it make anyways? I already weigh XXX, a few bowls of cereal won’t kill me.”

*************

 

Cereal is dangerous – I bought the cereal because it was on sale at Publix. I rarely keep cereal in the house because it’s a trigger – it sends me into a downward spiral of eating bad and thinking bad. I know better. I knew better when I bought it.

The good news is that I recognize that this is not normal, and that it’s a place that I go and need to come back from pretty quickly.

I let myself take the rest of the week off from the gym, and subsequently my eating was shit for the rest of the week. Huh, imagine that.

*********

So here we are, on Tuesday morning and I’m back. I’ve taken control of those feelings, and I’m moving forward.

I sat down on Sunday night and made a plan: a plan for how to move forward. How to take control of my feelings, how to ignore the number on the scale, and how to make this week a successful week.

 

I started Monday out by waking up at 4:30, having some coffee, then heading down to my gym and did some cardio. Starting the day out by sweating felt good – so cliché, but so true.

After work I headed to the gym for leg day ~ I love leg day.

 

workout:

squat (wide stance)      5 x 6
squat (narrow stance   5 x 6
leg press (plated)           3 x 12
hack squat                     5 x 6
bulgarian split squat    3 x 12
donkey kicks                  3 x 20 

 

The gym was PACKED. I mean PACKED. People everywhere. It felt like the assisted living bus got confused and dropped everyone off at the gym instead of the bingo hall down the road. I had to move things around so that I wasn’t standing around waiting ~ I hate this, but I guess that’s the price I pay for working out after work.

 

I’m changing up some eating habits this week, but more on that later. I need to get ready for work, or I’ll be late.

its going good, thanks for asking

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On June 5th I signed up for a My Fitness Pal account. It was also the same day I started to take control.

For a long time I felt out of control.
My mind was spinning
I felt terrible about my body
It was paralyzing

negative thoughts consumed my mind
so many times I wanted to blog about how I felt
but I was/am scared

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things have changed: 

The last 18 days have been terrific.

I feel good.
In control
and that’s a good feeling.

I’ve been consistent with eating healthy.
minus the occasional ice cream.

I’ve gotten back my running mojo
even if most my running takes places on the treadmill these days

I’m loving the stationary bike I bought.
It’s a good way to cross-train
and get my heart pumping

I feel good
and healthy
and that’s what’s important.

For the first time in a long time, I feel comfortable in my clothes
I even walked around the house in my sports bra & jeans last Saturday.
That’s progress.

 

I’m a work in progress