Dear age 28, I hate you: on feeling inadequate

When I started to blog on a regular basis I was writing about running with a mixture of life stuff. Obviously I’m not running anymore, and my blog has taken a different turn. I blog when I have something to say, which I think is how it should be anyways, but I find myself struggling with writing because weightlifting really isn’t all that interesting. There just isn’t THAT much to say about, at least for me.

I guess I’m telling you this because I can feel my blog taking a turn. For better or for worse, I don’t know – but it’s going to make a change. I want to write about other things. Things that are on my mind; things that bother me, and things that make me happy. I want to write about more than just what I did over the weekend, or how much weight I lifted on any given day.

I actually really enjoy writing: I’m the right smack in the middle of 6 sisters. 3 older and 3 younger. When my older sisters would have homework, I would pull out an old encyclopedia, or old math book and pretend I had homework to – I guess that doesn’t exactly fall into the “this is how I’m going to prove I enjoy to write category” now does it? Whatever, I guess that little story just proves I was a dorky kid.

Anyways, I guess I’m just warning you in advance that my blog could become less workout related and more everything else related..

************

 

I’ve been thinking about life lately.. kind of hard to avoid thinking about it, isn’t it? I think with the new year came a lot of renewed thoughts – like how to save more money, hell, how to save money period. Figuring out retirement funds, and IRA’s, 401ks, OMG! So much information, so overwhelming. I don’t even know where to begin with that.

I turned 28 in December – I’m not getting any younger, and no one is going to figure out my life for me, so I better get on it.

I don’t know what it is about turning 28, but it’s kicking my butt. It’s not even a substantial age, like 25, or 30, or 40.. It’s just 28.

When I was younger I never had those, “When I’m XX {enter age} I’ll be doing _______ as my career, and I’ll have {enter number of kids}, {enter number of dogs} with a big house & a white picket fence.” I never had those dreams delusions.

I sometimes wonder if I set myself up for failure by not having those type of dreams.

 

So now, here I am, wondering what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, and how I’m going to help make our retirement dreams comes true.

Yes, I have retirement dreams, but no plans on how I’m going to make that happen. That makes a lot of sense, right? I clearly missed the class that was about planning your future.

 

And here’s where it gets really good ……… I feel like I don’t contribute enough money to our life. No one has ever made me feel that – Chris certainly hasn’t. When I talked to him about it, his response was, “I don’t know why you feel that way.”   Me either, not really anyways. It’s just a me thing.

I suppose I also feel like somewhat of a failure – whew, we’re getting deep here. I graduated high school in 2003 (FYI, my 10yr reunion is in July.. how did that happen?) .. immediately after high school I went to a community college and received my Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) certificate. I even tested and got my license… never got a job. I decided that I wasn’t okay with scraping people off the ground.

{I worked as a cashier at a hardware store (which is where I met Chris, awww), I worked as a cashier at Bass Pro Shops, I worked at a UPS store (for a short time), I even worked at a resort in tourist town (SUPER SHORT, like 1 week). I landed in healthcare in 2006 when I started a position as a part time receptionist for a brand new urgent care clinic. I put my 2 weeks in there and went to work at a pediatricians office because working part-time wasn’t doing it for me. Before my 2 weeks were up, the urgent care fired the full time receptionist and offered me that position. I took it, and told the Pediatrician office I couldn’t stay (I don’t even really like kids, so I wasn’t sad to leave).  I worked at the urgent care from 2006 until 2010 when we moved.}

In 2009 – 2011 I went through an online course for Medical Billing & Coding.. Finished in 2011…. Still haven’t tested & I can’t get my certificate or those fancy CCS-P letters behind my name until I do.
I’m scared {and lazy} –That’s ultimately what it boils down to. I’m scared I’m not smart enough to pass the certification test, and it’s $299 every time you take it.

I currently do medical billing & coding, so I have real-world experience, but I don’t think that it is enough. What I do is so limited compared to what is out there, and it just scares me.

I’m not looking or “you’re so smart.” Or “you’re this, or you’re that” …. or any kind of praise. I’m just expressing the way I’ve been feeling lately. I know I’m not alone in my feelings – maybe you’ve been feeling some self-doubt as well.

Feel free to leave an anonymous comment with your feelings of self doubt. We can wallow together..

Just kidding, I don’t want to wallow. I want to say what I have to say, feel what I need to feel, then make a plan to quit feeling this way.

When you were growing up, did you know what you wanted your “career” to be?

Did you go to college after high school, or did you begin your career another way?

If you went to college {and graduated}, do you use the degree you received?

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3 thoughts on “Dear age 28, I hate you: on feeling inadequate

  1. First, I like where you blog is going. I liked it before too, but I’m not complaining about the changes. My Reader is a little short on “life blogs” that aren’t all about kids…{I don’t really like kids either}. Plus, my running is dwindling too…

    I’m also trying to figure out what the frick I want to do with my life. I never had a “thing” as a kid that I really wanted to do. I had a few things that interested me – and they still do, but I’m not making a living out of them. I really like working with critters, but never pursued the education and am not about to go back for that! I also like the *idea* of design, so we’ll see where this web development thing goes.

    That being said, I’ve decided that knowing what I want to be when I grow up is over rated…that would be boring. What if I was dead set on being a commercial pilot, did all the work, got the job…and hated it! That would suck, but since it was my “life dream” I’d feel obligated to suck it up and smile.I don’t want to do that. I’d rather play around with…whatever happens my way!

    As for that test…TAKE IT! You are being just like My Chris about this. He has some pretty intense IT certification tests to take and they are $200ish each time he takes them. He finally set a date and has to study. If he doesn’t pass…oh well, at least now he knows what to expect on his next try! Of course, if he is still not passing on try 8…well, that isn’t going to happen. Set a date, pay the money and go for it! 🙂

    …and now I’ll end my novel! 😉

  2. Girlll, first take the darn test! If – and only if – coding/billing is truly what you want to do I work a community college and can verify that if you have the real world work experience will certainly help with the exam.

    Second, you are surely not alone in your feelings. I’ve found that Ben and I have had a very similar conversation in the recent months. We both went to college, and while Ben works in his field of study I certainly do not. I have a degree in business, but somehow ended up in education. But, my job is AWESOME! I NEVER (ever, ever!) thought that I would end up in Education, but you HAVE to take risks. It’s a crazy feeling when you realize that you sent so much time, money, and energy investing in your education only to determine that you aren’t passionate about what you want to do.

    It seems like this “recession”/economy has really encouraged my friends to pursue their passions – so what are YOU passionate about? Can you make money pursing that passion? Perhaps…;) Trust me (because I’m older than you…), what you are thinking/feeling is perfectly natural.

  3. You definitely have an interesting blog…I did just the opposite as you in that I lifted weights for years and just took up running about 3 years ago.

    I can totally sympathize with your thought process because I was always concerned about what I was going to do with my life and how I was going to retire. I was young when this process started…about 19. So, without thinking much of it I went through criminal justice training and before I knew it I had 2 certifications and no job. Finally when I turned 21 I was hired in law enforcement…full of piss and vinegar!! Well it’s been almost exactly 20 years later and I’m going to be able to retire in 5 years…really, I don’t think so…lol.

    During this time, I have done all there is do do as a cop in a crazy little town. So, in my 30’s I finished a bachelors degree and am right back in the same predicament, what am I going to be when I grow up! Still not sure! Getting your degree when your older makes you appreciate the process a lot more. I actually learned something…

    I guess I can stop rambling and get to the point…the point is that that voice inside telling you that you are a failure is just your mind’s way of telling you to push forward and stop being scared. Believe me because my mind told me the same thing…it still does at times.

    Oh and stop getting on that damn scale!! And look in the mirror for your gains. That scale lies…muscle is heavier than fat. That’s the runner in you! Skinnier the better. I’ll give up speed for muscular development all day. Can’t necessarily have both.

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