Did you know:Uphill battle

A few weeks ago I started a little mini-series about me. In the first post, Did you know : Breaking up is hard to doI talked about Chris & I breaking up for several months in 2007.

My post today is not about relationships; well, I guess it is in a way. I suppose it’s about my relationship with my body.

 

Before we get into that heavy talk; Did you watch the Boston Marathon today? I bought the live feed from Universal Sports. It was well worth the $4.99 that it cost me! I was seriously on edge for 2.5hrs. I’ve never been interested in the Boston Marathon until this year (mostly because I’d never even heard of it). What an amazing race! I have no desire to run Boston, or maybe a marathon at all, but it sure was fun to watch!

 

I’ve written, deleted, rewritten, deleted and rewritten this post more times than I can count.

I just don’t like talking about it. But I think I should. It makes me who I am.

I don’t know exactly when it started, or even why it started. I remember at a pretty young age (elementary school) being uncomfortable in shirts that were tight. Shirts that touched my stomach drove me insane. I liked baggy shirts, shirts that wouldn’t lay against my stomach. …. weird. I know. I should clarify that I don’t mean tight like hoochie mama tight, but any kind of form fitting shirt, or any shirt that wasn’t baggy. Obviously I was skanked out in the 5th grade (although kids today surely are).

I think this makes me even more of a freak, but, I remember a specific pink GUESS shirt that I liked because it fit just right. I’m guessing that was in 5th or 6th grade. I remember the house we lived in so I’m going by that for an age determination.

I don’t remember having many problems in middle school.

High school was weird. It’s that age when a lot of girls start to develop, and wear clothes that show their, uh, developments. Shirts that show off breasts, or hourglass figure(I’m still waiting for mine.kthanx).

Prom, homecoming & summer were always a troubling time. I could never find a prom dress or homecoming dress that looked decent on my body shape. It’s not that I was over weight, I just don’t have an hourglass figure. I’m like a stupid rectangle. I hate rectangles (incase you were wondering). Oh, and bikinis, forget about it.

It didn’t get any easier after high school, it wasn’t easier in my early twenties, and it’s not that much easier now that I’m 26. I’m extremely critical of myself. I have a really hard time buying clothes because I am very concerned with the way that they look, and the way that other people will think they look. I don’t want to be that girl that thinks she looks good in something, but actually looks like a hot mess. 

I realize that, for the most part, people are not paying attention to what I’m wearing, and they probably aren’t judging the way I look in my clothes. But I am, therefore I think everyone else is to.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have a legitimate complaint. I don’t even know what my real complaint is?  I don’t have an hourglass figure? I have a rectangular shape? wah. I’m not overweight so saying I feel fat is insulting to people who actually are over weight… right?

Chris tells me that he wishes someone that is actually overweight would hear me say, “I’m fat” so they could punch me in the head.

It’s not the nicest thing that he could say to me, but it puts it into perspective for me. I rarely say “I’m fat” anymore.

image source

I would be lying if I said I don’t change clothes at least 2-3 times almost every morning. I even change on days I wear scrubs. I have gotten better about that, but not completely. I wore scrubs today, but not before I changed my top once.

The one, and only thing that makes me feel confident (besides Chris)……….running. While it doesn’t do much for the shape of my body, it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe because I know I am actively doing something to make myself feel & look better? Maybe because I have control over how well I run (for the most part.stupidITBAND)- As with most people, eating healthy also makes me feel better and more confident with the body that I was given.

In the last year I’ve had better control over the “I’m fat” feeling. I can wear clothes that I wouldn’t normally wear a little more comfortably. I am a little more comfortable/confident in my bikini. (I’ve never let this stop me from wearing a bikini, but I would bitch about before leaving the house…and then in my head through out the day). It’s hard to feel confident when there are so many other women that look amazing in bikinis; or even clothes that are cute that I wish I could wear, but know I can’t.

I think it’s something that I am overcoming; It’s a slow process, but I see some improvement. My closet has quite a few dresses, and other outfits that I would not have bought a year or two ago. It doesn’t take me as long to get ready as it used it and instead of changing outfits 12 times I only change 2-3. Sometimes I just have to leave the house even though I’m not entirely comfortable in whatever I’m wearing; otherwise I’ll stand in my closet all day trying to find something to wear.

 

It’s an uphill battle, but I’m slowly getting to the top.

 

You only have one life, so live it!!

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12 thoughts on “Did you know:Uphill battle

  1. You’re going to find that you’re very much not alone here.

    In losing 50+ pounds, I’ve found that I have a very big issue with body image. In fact, up until a couple of months ago, I was seeing a therapist for it as I was starting to have some serious aversions to food that were freaking me out.

    And then came the injury…

    Running was a huge means for me to control my weight, how I felt, to “avoid getting fat.” You can just about imagine what that did to me. Honestly it was the hardest part about being injured. On a daily basis I made some comment HOURLY about how terrified I was of getting fat again.

    It’s a day to day battle with me. I obsess over everything I put in my mouth. I obsess over how I look 24/7.

    All this to say you are definitely NOT alone. I understand where you’re coming from. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could just turn it on and off like a light switch? I was at the beach on Sunday in a tank top and shorts. I don’t even own a swimsuit. It takes everything out of me to get dressed in the morning sometimes. I feel ya…

    • I can definitely understand that being injured would be a huge set back for you. 😦 (but now you are on the mend, yay!)

      I don’t really analyze everything that I eat. I am conscious about what I eat, but it doesn’t rule my day. Thankfully I have that under control. I would love to just wake up one morning and not care. I see so many women dressed in things that I would never, in a million years wear, and I just want their confidence. Ugh. One day.

  2. I think that is way more common than people let on. I just did a major closet clean out over the weekend to get rid of anything that didn’t make me feel good about myself when I wore it. After a traumatic breakup with my college boyfriend I lost a ton of weight. I was way too skinny. Like gross skinny. Somehow though, it still is upsetting to me when I realize that my clothes from that era don’t fit anymore. It was time for me to part with those clothes and move on. In reality, I look much better now even though I don’t still wear that size.

    I’m still iffy on bathing suits although I probably look better in one than anyone I know IRL. I think I’ll get there eventually and I have a feeling that you will too.

  3. I’ve found that my perception of my body changes very little no matter my weight. When I was 40lbs heavier I was still as self-conscious as I am today. I think I talked about it a bit with you when we ran that Zoo Run Run, but I was at a spot where every morning I woke up and my first thought was “I’m fat.” Something is wrong with that.

    So, I worked hard to shed a few lbs. I did. Now I’m in that maintain phase and it is actually harder to stay here than to lose weight.

    • I also think that no matter what my weight I still think, “I’m fat.” I agree that there is definitely something wrong with that. I know that i’m not fat in the literaly sense, but I just feel so uncomfortable with my body I don’t know what else to call it? Make sense?

  4. I think you’re beautiful sweetie! Actually, I know you are.

    I do think it’s great you can write about stuff like this so honestly. It seems that nearly all women, whether they admit it or not, have body image issues. It’s like we subconsciously ( or sometimes consciously) assume our lives would be better if we just had thinner thighs, a smaller waist, bigger boobs, etc.

    I don’t think I can entirely turn those thoughts off, but I do try to not let myself obsess. I attempt to not even say negative body comments outloud because then it will just build. Like you, I try to focus on the positives like feeling fit and strong when I run, or realizing I am not too heavy and I’m probably lucky to be as happy with my body as I am.

    Glad you’re overcoming this and seeing progress. You should feel confident because I think you look great in the pics you post. 🙂

    Glad you are seeing so much progress over the past few years.

    • Hmm, I think those last 2 lines were the same thought that got double typed and changed. Anyhow, I think what I really mean is I’m glad it seems like you’re dealing with these issues better. I don’t think me or most of us will ever really overcome them, but we can talk and learn to deal better! Sorry for the novel. 🙂

  5. To some extent I can relate to you…especially on the “I’m fat” way of thinking. I have days (like today) where I just feel fat and feeling fat makes me grumpy. I know, that in the grand scheme of things I am not fat, but that doesn’t exactly make me feel less fat on my grumpy days! Today was really a perfect example of this “I’m fat” feeling – its a freaking mind game with myself!

  6. Grr…the comment box cut me off!

    Props to you for really looking at yourself, seeing yourself for you who are and accepting it! That is making you a stronger and better person!

    In terms of clothing…if you put something on and you don’t feel great it in, then get rid of it! Sounds wasteful (I had issues with this at first) but going into your closet and seeing only clothes that you know fit and feel good in is a great confidence booster at the beginning of the day. My closet is pretty loving and I still change clothes up to 3 times a day (just ask DH)…sometimes you just have a day!

  7. Pingback: Life is Beachy Keen » Where I come from it’s cornbread & chicken…

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